The Deafening Sound of Lifelessness

Have you ever walked into a season of your life where you feel a sense of deep despair over the present situation, as well as the recognition that this is a permanent state for the foreseeable future, and there is nothing you can do to change it?  Have you ever been in a place where you look all around seeking a sign of hope or outlet of security and it’s as if you are looking into a sea of lifelessness?  That was me throughout 5th and 6th grade.  Thereafter, it wasn’t as if the lifelessness stopped, I just got used to it.

Aside from transforming into the queen of childcare, I began seeking friendship, wandering the halls of my apartment building and checking the laundry room, trying to find anyone who would be up for a chat.  I loved people, and still do.  For the longest time, I believed all people were good and was insanely unaware of the criminal mind.  In fact, when my now husband met me at 22 years of age, one of the first things he told me was that I was the most naive person he had ever met.  Even at 22, after years of torment from many, I truly always assumed the best of people.  I’d like to say that is the case today as well, and I still believe all people have the ability to be and do good, but I have woken up a bit to the realization that not all people choose that path.  Anyway, it’s pretty frightening to imagine a 10 or 11 year old randomly walking the hallways of low income housing seeking out attention, and it most certainly led me to a few unfortunate circumstances.  The first was a babysitting job I took for a little girl, my younger sister’s age.  It was short lived as we soon realized the mom’s boyfriend was more interested in us than the mom.

Another “friend” provided me some of my best memories for those two years.  He was so super kind to me, taking me to the library, talking to me for what felt like hours, introducing me to his friends at the local diner where he bought me hot chocolate.  It was fabulous!  Finally, a real friend – or so I thought.  I’ll bet you know where I am going with this!  The friendship ended abruptly following a visit where he brought me into his bedroom, closed the door and stated that we should have sex.  I remember sitting on the bed while he paced the floor, combing his hands through his hair repeating to me that perhaps I should ask my mom first.  Certainly an odd request, but I suspect it was his mind arguing with him to proceed or back off.  I, innocently enough, said something along the lines of, “Don’t worry, my mom won’t care.”  Ha!  I knew I was being honest because my mom didn’t care about anything that went on in my life.  Clearly I did not have a clue as to what sex meant.  Here’s where it gets good.  That man let me go at the insistence that I needed my moms persmission.  What are the odds?  I was ON HIS BED with the door SHUT!  At the time I had mixed emotions of being rejected as not good enough to play sex with, and the stirring that something wasn’t right.  I proceeded home to tell my mom, who replied, “stay away from him”, which I did from that point forward.  To this day I sometimes wonder about all the other girls that may have not fared so well at the hands of this man, since my mother never bothered to ask any further questions, let alone call the police.

It may surprise you that I became an atheist when I hit my 20’s – or maybe not!  I decided a God of love was impossible given my history.  My 30’s turned a tide in my faith, and the above story would be a resounding sign to me that God was indeed with me every step of my childhood.  It by far wasn’t the only sign, but I consider this one a doozy.  With that said, I feel the need to lift you up, as my reader, with some light of good news.  God is good!  God is so, so good!  It took me forever to understand the depths of his love for me.  In fact, I only recently was able to fully release the bondage’s of fear and control that gripped my mind and soul.  But, oh, let me tell you the glorious beauty, peace, and true happiness that permeate my every cell now that my heart has been opened to his everlasting love.  It’s an insanely powerful feeling.  His work in my life just in the last few weeks alone has blown my mind, but I had to come to a place of full submission.  I’ll talk about that more later.

If you are reading this and the last paragraph is radical to your belief system, I urge you to bare with me.  Remember, I understand both sides of the coin.  I know the depths of anger and pain and sorrow so deep you’d rather die than move forward.  I have felt so much pain in my life it’s likely nothing I ever write in this blog will ever fully convey it strongly enough.  And although it pains me to realize there was this beautiful, powerful father just sitting there waiting for me to turn toward him, the fact is he was…..all along, just sitting there waiting for me.  If you are on the fence about this subject, or totally in disbelief, stick with me.  Watch what happens to my life.  I dare say, I am a living miracle.  Lots of love to all of you and my prayers that you too discover his grace!

Tonya Stuart



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